7 "Secret" Phrases Men Tell Their Mistr****s to Keep Them Hooked (And The Psychology Behind Them)
It starts with a connection that feels cosmic. It feels like you’ve finally met the one person who truly sees you. But there is a catch: he’s not free.
Maybe you never intended to be the "other woman." Maybe it just happened. But now, you find yourself stuck in a painful limbo—checking your phone for texts that come at odd hours, spending holidays alone, and constantly waiting for a future that seems to move further away every time you get close to it.
The anxiety is paralyzing. You want to believe him, but your gut is screaming that something is wrong. You are not crazy, and you are not alone. The truth is, there is a very specific "script" that men in these situations use. It relies on psychology, hope, and your own empathy to keep you holding on. Today, we are going to decode that script so you can finally see the situation clearly and reclaim your power.
What We'll Cover:
- The "Roommate" Trap
- The "Noble Martyr" Defense
- The Soulmate Paradox
- The "Crazy Wife" Narrative
- The Future Faking Timeline
- How to Break the Cycle
1. "We’re Just Roommates / We Haven’t Slept Together in Years"
This is the foundational brick of the affair. By telling you his marriage is a sexless, loveless void, he accomplishes two psychological goals:
- He alleviates your guilt: If the marriage is "dead" in everything but paperwork, you don't feel like a home-wrecker. You feel like you are providing love to a starving man.
- He creates a vacancy: It makes you feel like the position of "wife" is essentially open, and you are currently interviewing for the job.
The Reality Check: If he is still living there, sharing bills, and raising a family, the marriage is functional. Intimacy is often the first thing to go in a long-term relationship, but it doesn't mean the partnership is over.
2. "I Can’t Leave Yet Because of the Kids"
This is the "Noble Martyr" defense. He tells you that he is miserable, but he is sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his children. He might say, "I just need to wait until my youngest graduates," or "I can't disrupt their lives right now."
This works because it targets your empathy. It paints him as a good father and a responsible man—traits you admire. If you push him to leave, you become the villain who hates children.
3. "She’s Crazy / Controlling / Doesn’t Understand Me"
Ah, the "Crazy Wife" trope. He might tell you she checks his phone, screams at him for no reason, or is emotionally unstable.
This triggers your Savior Complex. You want to be the "Cool Girl." You want to be the sanctuary of peace and understanding that he comes to. By vilifying her, he ensures you will work extra hard to be the opposite: undemanding, patient, and accommodating.
"When a man tells you his wife is crazy, remember: You are only hearing one side of the story. Often, 'crazy' is just a code word for a woman who is reacting to being lied to and gaslit." — Relationship Pro-Tip
4. "If Only I Had Met You First" (The Soulmate Paradox)
This is pure emotional dopamine. He tells you that you are his true soulmate, the love of his life, and that the timing is the only tragedy here.
Why it hooks you: It romanticizes the suffering. It turns a messy affair into a Shakespearean tragedy. It makes you feel special—like you are the exception to the rule. If the connection is "cosmic," then the pain of waiting feels like a noble price to pay for true love.
5. "Just Give Me Six More Months"
This is called Future Faking. He promises a future that is just around the corner.
- "After the holidays..."
- "Once this big project at work is done..."
- "After my wife gets through this rough patch..."
The goalpost is always moving. In psychology, this creates a state of intermittent reinforcement. You get just enough hope to stay, but never enough action to feel secure. It is the same psychological mechanism that keeps people addicted to slot machines.
6. "I Don’t Want to Lose You" (But I Can’t Have You)
This is usually said during a breakup attempt. You finally gather the strength to walk away, and he drops this bomb. He cries, he panics, he tells you he can't breathe without you.
But notice what he doesn't say. He doesn't say, "I am packing my bags." He says he doesn't want to lose the benefits of having you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he is terrified of losing his emotional crutch.
Conclusion: Choosing Yourself
The hardest truth to swallow is that men usually do exactly what they want to do. If he wanted to be with you—fully, openly, and proudly—he would be. The script is designed to keep you on the shelf, available for when he needs an escape from his reality. But you are not an escape; you are a destination. It is time to stop reading his script and start writing your own story—one where you are the protagonist, not the secret.
Now, I want to hear from you. Have you ever heard one of these lines before? Which one kept you holding on the longest? Drop a comment below—let’s support each other in breaking the cycle.
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